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I’ve decided to cut some of the drama out of my life, and while thinking about it, I found myself continuously drifting back to this journal. I have written so much personal information in here, and I think it only adds onto the strain in my life. So, after much consideration, I‘m going to make it Friends Only.

I just feel that in real life, I would not display the things that happen to me the way I do in this journal. Although, I admit, I do enjoy the occasional anonymous comment… I would prefer to know who is reading my journal at all times. Is my life so important that not everyone should be reading it? Not really. But its important to me.

I’m also doing a friend cut, which should be done by now. I have gone through my friend list and have tried to explain something I know about each and every one of you. If I couldn’t think of anything, I cut you. It doesn’t mean I dislike you or anything, just that either (1) we haven’t really talked or (2) we have nothing in common.

If I took you off, and you wish to be back on for any reason, just comment, and I will gladly add you. To some, this might actually be a relief.

If I didn’t take you off, and you wish to be taken off, comment. No hard feelings. I understand I can be quite the pain in the ass.

I see this as a more positive turn in my life. I wish to no longer be surrounded by sadness. To be happy, you must work at it. So here it is… my first step toward being happy.

Jun. 23rd, 2004

Oy, me and Jay are waiting for his brand new chameleon. =D

It was supposed to be here at 10:30 am, but its 20 minutes late. I think he's a little anxious. He was sitting by the window for the past hour, now he went to play hockey in the room. I bet he's gonna flip once he gets it. Heh. Of course, I will be ignored for the next couple weeks. =( Buuuut, I'm sure I'll be able to deal.

I always have the internet.

I'm pathetic. I get swept up in these picture sites.

Dilly - Profile
Face The Jury
Picrave

Then, after that, where is there to go? WELL, theres....

Neopets
HERE

and.. um.. hmm. *shrugs* Not sure. I guess then I just look for pictures from Queer As Folk. Mmm. Anyone know any good websites to kill time?


Oh, and my dad is strange.

Dad: You know what?
Me: What?
Dad: Your just one of those people who has everything happen to them.
Me: ...huh?
Dad: I mean, look... on your birthday you stepped on twenty bucks, right? Then, when we played lottery tickets, you won fifty bucks! Then we did that quick draw and you won fifty more bucks!
Me: okay...
Dad: And think about your graduation. Out of all the people in your class, your the one whose name they forgot.
Millie: Thats true.
Dad: What are the odds of that happening?
Millie: And you ended up in the newspaper too.
Me: So.. your saying I'm a jinx?
Dad: Well... something like that.

Then, thinking about it, I realized there are a lot of weird shit that happens to me. Getting sung to by a stranger in the mall, being picked to go in this giant balloon frog in elementary school, causing me to win ten dollars, and when I went to that NSYNC concert and just happened to walk upon Joey and Lance sitting in a golf cart with only two body guards (I ran up to take a picture, and ended up falling on my ass. Joey [after laughing at me] told one of the guards to help me up. Heh.).

Which means that I am doomed to have things happen to me. Even though I go outta my way to NOT have things happen, they will happen.

Do you know how much that blows? @_@
Took off last post... couldn't sleep thinking about it. X_x;

I was laying awake all night, and it was just horrible. Right when Jay's alarm rang for him to go to work, I fell asleep. Mmmm. Not even sure if he said goodbye to me. He probably did, too tired to tell.

My dad was supposed to be here at 9 am, but he's running late. Apparently disney tired him out. He'll be here in an hour. I have to attempt to stay awake until then.

Jay gave me his cellphone. I feel a little uneasy about him not having a cellphone on him, but its not like him having one ever stopped him from getting into shit. I like knowing that I can call him at any time and see if he's alright. I'm always afraid one day he'll leave, and not come back. Whether it be an accident or running away with some random girl. Both will cause me to be equally upset.

Mmmm, I like Jay. He's so different now. Back in the "bad days" he used to push me away and mumble things in his sleep. Now, he's pretty quiet, and if he comes into contact with me, he instantly pulls me into a hug and then sighs. I like when he does that.

And how he always asks if I need anything when he's going out. Or how he's there for me if I'm having pains. How he rubs my stomach and talks about how great its going to be when the baby's born.

He does freak me out when he turns to me and like... "*points to my stomach* O_O I want it out NOW! *grumbles*" O.o Creepy.

Or how he always gives me a hug, even when he really doesn't want to. When we lay awake and just talk. I like talking to him. He's just got this odd view on life.

The only thing that upsets me about our relationship is that I think he sees me as just... someone who's along for the ride. Like I'm not contributing anything to staying together. The other day we were sitting there, and I said "Wow, I just realized we're gonna be a family." and then he said "What? Now that you finally stopped thinking about yourself, you realize that? Your selfish." and that hurt. How am I selfish?

I never ask him for anything. I always pick up after the numerous beer bottles he leaves around. I'm always waiting to hear how work was. If he wants to play Hockey, fine! Lets turn off whatever I'm watching so that he can play. I clean his shirts when I'm doing laundry (yet he wont clean mine unless I ask). I let him take my car everyday to work without a word. I encourage him to talk to the baby, and share in this experience I'm going through. I always offer him whatever I have.

I mean, I dont get it. What more does he want? I mean, sure, I've been kind of "MINE" about the baby. I can't help it. Its NOT growing inside of him. He hasn't felt this baby move, he didn't get to hear the first heart beats, he's not the one being changed by it. Ugh, I am selfish. This amazing thing is happening to me, and yeah... okay, I want it to stay mine. Once this baby is out, I'm going to be so jealous that I have to share him. That I can't hold him 24/7. That I can no longer feel his movements as if they were my own. That he's not attached to me anymore.

This is what I've been waiting for though. My reason to go on. As much as I love my family and friends, I just... I've never felt the need to live as much as I do now. I'm having a baby. Gosh, that is the most exciting thing ever.

I can just imagine his first word, and his first day of school! And dancing with him to music.. and singing to him, and telling him stories, and... in the words of Jay... "taking him to his first hockey game". lol... hm. I shouldn't be this way to Jay, but I'm so afraid that something will go wrong with us, and he'll take this baby away. Which is another reason I dont want to get married. Once this baby is born, NO ONE is taking him away. NO ONE.

I will never drink, smoke or anything again if I have to. I will work two jobs, I will sell my soul! Just as long as I know that for the next 18 years, this is my little boy. I want to see him grow up. I want to see his first girlfriend. I want to hear about how college is going.

I just, I want him to have the childhood I didn't. I want him to enjoy his life. To never say he went a day without food. I want him to have memories! I want him to have tons of pictures of all the places "mom and dad" took him. I want him to have the best education, clean clothes, and the latest hair style.

I want him to have everything I didn't. I dont want him to experience a divorce. I want him to always have a father nearby. To know his parents love him. I want him to not be afraid of life. To enjoy the good times.

I want him to be everything I'm not. I want him to be happy. I... need to stop wanting so much. X_x;

5 more months of this? gah, jays right, I want him out NOW!

Jun. 21st, 2004

What is a good quote for you?
by grlinterupted
Name
Color
Say what??"If you turn your panties inside out, they are good to go again!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!


So true.
Thursday

Jay was being extra sweet to me, so I suggested we go out fishing. Its something he had been talking about for awhile, I hadn't gone since I was like... 10? so we decided to go. He found this lake he'd never been to on the map, and we headed that way. After about an hour drive, we come to this dirt road...

I swear, it felt like this road would NEVER END!! We had been driving on it for about half an hour before we saw someone besides us who was alive. Not to say there were random dead people scattered around... but to suggest there probably might have been. Anyways, after finally reaching the end of this road, we come to a little dock, and a river. We pull the car up (as this sign said to do) and waited. What we were waiting for, we weren't quite sure, but soon that question was answered.

This tiny ass barge thing being lead across the river by a small tugboat came into view. Eventually it made it to us, letting off a car, and then taking us and a van onto it. It was only $9, but it was so beautiful! Just riding across the river in your car... I never thought I'd ever do that.

After we left that, we spent the next couple hours coming to dead ends. It took us awhile before we realized we weren't going to be able to find a place to fish. SO, we decided to head home (jay was pissed). On the way home, we see this little trailer park with a lake out in front of it. Now the lake had to be only about... 5 inches deep? But of course, we decide to fish there.

That didn't last long. After about 10 minutes of Jay setting everything up, it only took me 2 minutes, and one cast, for me to tangle up my fishing pole, and make it unusable. >< Jay was like "What'd you do!?" *shrugs* I dont know, but for that two minutes I did fish, I had fun. =)

Then we went home.

Friday

I woke up really early on Friday so that I could go with Millie and Jen to meet... LEAF. Yes people, his name is LEAF. Like "a leaf blowin in the wind." *shakes head* Anyways, Millie has been talking to this guy online for awhile, and was FINALLY able to meet him. I made beautiful music as they leapt into each others arms.

Actually, it was more like me going "Errreeeeccck! Reeeccccck!" as they awkwardly walked up to each other, causing Jen to give me this face O_o. After that, we all went to Dennys. That was nice. Leaf is actually pretty decent. He's a lot cuter than I expected too... lol.

After us all hanging out for about an hour or two, I went home. Jay wasn't home cause he went to Dunnellon to go fishing. I had to call him to ask him to come home cause I needed to go to my WIC appointment, but since he hadn't even started fishing yet, I decided to just send my mom to go for me instead. But Jay still ended up coming home soon afterwards. I guess fishing wasn't that exciting.

Other than that.. not much happened that day.

Saturday

MY DAD CAME! =D At about four o'clock, my dad calls me saying he's on some exit with an orange stand and that it looked familiar. He told me the exit, and it ended up being our exit! ^-^ He was lost. So me and Jay met up with him to show him where to go.

Jay meeting my dad was weird. Just seeing them shake hands and whatnot. O_o; I dunno, it was strange.

Anyways, then we went to Bennigans. That was... uneventful. ^^; We all just talked, and whatnot. Then we went to my brothers house. Rion and Jewel were excited to see my dad.

Then we had to take him to his hotel which was WAY OUT across from Wet N Wild. Which is about like... another 15 minutes from my bro's house (half an hour from mine). He was all like "I'm gonna kill Sylvia." Heh.

It wasn't till we were headed home that I realized it was like, 7:10 and I forgot to call Jenny. =( I was supposed to go to this play with her. I'm thinking of going by her house today. Hopefully I can do someting to make it up her.

~*~

My dad says he's gonna try to take me and Jay to Universal Studios on Friday. He was supposed to go with my brother to Disney on Monday, but decided to spend the day with me instead. I told him he should ask my brother first though. I think my brother wanted him to go to Disney world cause when my dad said he might not go, my brother looked disappointed. ><

I refuse to hog my dad's attention as I usually do. This is a time for my dad and brother to bond. =) Which is why, even though its fathers day, I will remain home and just make a phone call to my dad.

I think my dad just feels guilty when it comes to me. I mean, he had 17 years with my brother, but only 6 with me before he left. *shrugs*

Either way, I hope we still go to Universal. Hehe.

Jun. 17th, 2004

I just found out that Gale Harold... is a Cancer. *swoons* I have never been more proud of being one myself.







Mmmmmmm... *dies*
Someone, please trade places with me. Go to this doctor's appointment while I get some sleep. X_x;

We have to be there by 9:30 am, and Jay has yet to woken up. He went to sleep at 7 pm and he STILL wont get up. Its like "Damn, how much sleep do you need?" I'll have to kick him in a bit. I refuse to be late.

I however am up! As I have been almost the entire night. *grumbles* My stomach and back have been hurting all night. Its just like, this burning sensation. It might be my uterus stretching, I dunno, all I know is that it was highly uncomfortable and caused me to not be able to fall asleep till about 2 am. Then, I woke up twice before finally getting up at 7:30. Ergggg. I just wanna sleep. T_T

Plus, all last night, there was this damn cat sitting outside the window, meowing like it was dying... meeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooow. meeeeeooooooooooow. meeeeeeoooooooooow. meeeeooooooooooooow. HURRY UP AND DiE YOU FUCKIN CAT. eh, f-ing boggle scum.



Mmmm, I think when I come home, I'm gonna take a nice long nap, and then write out some ways to improve myself. I dont mean looks either. I mean like, my outlook on life.

I like writing things down. I always feel better. Eh, I'm too tired to think of anythignednfa ekleafvlfdklseorwnrgjk4 dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddunl;

i'm done

[Edit]

I'm back. Its.... 11:12... doctors appointment went fine. Said everything looks good (blood, urine, baby size and whatnot)... so yay. I'm still half asleep.

I was just about to fall asleep when Shanelle called. >< She's all alone, so I told her I'd hang with her. I'm taking the car though so that I can use the excuse "Jay needs the car" so that I can come back at one to sleep. I NEED to sleep. X_x; Besides, jay does need the car. He has some meeting or something.

I was going to go with him, and then drive around while he was in the meeting, but sleep is much better.

Okay, she's here. I go now.

Jun. 15th, 2004

Ya know what? My dreams are getting more insane as the days go by.

I now had a dream that me and Jay decided to have an open an honest relationship, so he told me that on Saturday he was going to a party, and was thinking about cheating. So I stabbed him with a fork. O_o;

Then, I was in this building, and this gorilla saved this persons life, but after he did it, he turned into a stuffed animal. So I scooped him up, and tried to leave, but this detective tried to take him away, cause he said that he needed to take it in for research, so I started running, and somehow the gorilla grew wings, and we both flew away.

THEN, I had a dream I was back in NY, working at AMC and I was in Alicia's house, but it looked exactly like my dads house. Her and me were going to go look for new jobs, but I had to take a shower. When I went in the shower though, I was taking off my clothes and then when I turned around there was this guy staring at me, and it scared me so bad that I woke up.


This baby is fucking with my head. But I guess I'll take the creepy ass dreams instead of those Sleep Paralysis dreams. I only had one of those since I got pregnant. :) I went from having one or two every month, to have one in five months. Lets hope I never have anymore the rest of my life! W00t!



Lately, Jay's dad hasn't been putting on the air conditioner at night, and the baby freaks out when its hot. X_x; He moves around so much, it causes me to wake up. Then I'm up every other hour, sweating my ass off. Ehhh.


My cousin Maggie had her baby!!! She's up in Gainesville though, cause she had some sort of infection. The baby was born 3 POUNDS. Holy shit, right? They say everything is fine, she's just small. *shrugs* Its creepying me out how many people are having miscarriages, and small babies. I think Eric's baby was only about 4 or 5 pounds too. Maybe its the Florida weather? Who knows?